Now that you've taken on some responsibility for the "He got in my space" situation by reading my previous article and establishing personal boundaries, lets talk about enforcement of those boundaries. There are truly benefits to knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable to you even if you have yet to tackle enforcement because clarity is key and gives you the motivation to move to the next step.
Enforcing Personal Boundaries:
Pull out your list of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you that you created while reading my first "He Got In My Space" article. You'll probably think of even more things to add as you read so I'll give you a minute...
Okay, minute's up. Now, think about the first unacceptable thing on your list. What you will DO if someone gets close to crossing that line? What will you say? Should you warn them ahead of time or wait until it happens?
These are all good questions so I'll share some important but all-too-often-learned-too-late info to help you before I answer them.
Important Note about Enforcement of Personal Boundaries:
It is easier to establish and enforce personal boundaries when you first meet someone than to change the rules mid-relationship. Your family, friends and coworkers have been treating you a certain way for years may not take well to to the game change, especially if they've been mistreating you or taking advantage of you.
You are going to feel empowered with the enforcement of your new personal boundaries but they may feel frustrated, confined and angry so be prepared. Also realize that enforcing personal boundaries is a catalyst for cleaning out toxic friendships. They usually leave on their own because they can no longer get a power fix from dumping on you. This saves you time and effort but the realization of who your true friends are not may be painful.
With children, we are used to letting them know the rules up front so this should work with them. For example: to a verbally abusive teen, "From now on, speak respectfully or say nothing at all." Then tell them the consequences if they cross the line (now that you know where the line is).
With coworkers and family, depending on the situation, being prepared for the next time can be the best option. For example: a boyfriend makes a joke at your expense in front of people (at your expense means it hurts your feelings). You say, "Honey, when you joked about me in front of our friends, I felt hurt. Did you want me to feel hurt?" This puts the ball in his court, either to realize his mistake, apologize and avoid it in the future or admit being hurtful on purpose in which case the relationship just ended.
Determine the Risk:
A good rule of thumb is to determine what the risk is of someone crossing each personal boundary and then determine the verbal response (never placing blame because that just causes defensiveness and defeats your purpose) and physical response to that breach. The physical response may be removing yourself from an area of the office by walking away, telling your verbally abusive 19 year old it's time to move out, leaving a party earlier than expected or leaving a relationship completely.
Real Life Story: One of physical enforcements was leaving an outdoor restaurant when a patron refused to extinguish his cigarette when the smoke was blowing across my table. My verbal enforcement didn't work. I asked the server to ask him but she was more interested in a good tip from him and didn't do it. I asked him nicely and he refused. Some interesting things happened.
On my way out, I told the manager why I was leaving and that the server refused to help. He apologized and offered me a complimentary dinner for two to come back again.
The server was clearly uncomfortable with her cowardly decision and seemed to feel bad.
Other patrons felt the same way I did and were visibly surprised that she didn't say something to the smoker so I expect they didn't tip her as well as if she had been supportive.
You may be asking "Was it all worth it?" To me, absolutely, because breathing smoke during my meal would have caused resentment and anger, not to speak of an unhealthy lunch. To the server, I think a adjustment in attitude and behavior will take place. And for the other patrons who noticed this very quiet situation, I think they evaluated what they would have done and respected someone for standing up for what they believe in a respectful way.
If what I did isn't something you would do that is why we are working on PERSONAL boundaries. They are personal to each individual.
So now you know how to speak to the person who gets in your space or crosses the line and what you will do if the breach continues. You have done what most people never do and I congratulate you on enforcing personal boundaries for your mental, emotional and physical safety.
