Now that you've taken on some responsibility for the "He got in my space" situation by reading my previous article and establishing personal boundaries, lets talk about enforcement of those boundaries. There are truly benefits to knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable to you even if you have yet to tackle enforcement because clarity is key and gives you the motivation to move to the next step.
Enforcing Personal Boundaries:
Pull out your list of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you that you created while reading my first "He Got In My Space" article. You'll probably think of even more things to add as you read so I'll give you a minute...
Okay, minute's up. Now, think about the first unacceptable thing on your list. What you will DO if someone gets close to crossing that line? What will you say? Should you warn them ahead of time or wait until it happens?
These are all good questions so I'll share some important but all-too-often-learned-too-late info to help you before I answer them.
Important Note about Enforcement of Personal Boundaries:
It is easier to establish and enforce personal boundaries when you first meet someone than to change the rules mid-relationship. Your family, friends and coworkers have been treating you a certain way for years may not take well to to the game change, especially if they've been mistreating you or taking advantage of you.
You are going to feel empowered with the enforcement of your new personal boundaries but they may feel frustrated, confined and angry so be prepared. Also realize that enforcing personal boundaries is a catalyst for cleaning out toxic friendships. They usually leave on their own because they can no longer get a power fix from dumping on you. This saves you time and effort but the realization of who your true friends are not may be painful.
With children, we are used to letting them know the rules up front so this should work with them. For example: to a verbally abusive teen, "From now on, speak respectfully or say nothing at all." Then tell them the consequences if they cross the line (now that you know where the line is).
With coworkers and family, depending on the situation, being prepared for the next time can be the best option. For example: a boyfriend makes a joke at your expense in front of people (at your expense means it hurts your feelings). You say, "Honey, when you joked about me in front of our friends, I felt hurt. Did you want me to feel hurt?" This puts the ball in his court, either to realize his mistake, apologize and avoid it in the future or admit being hurtful on purpose in which case the relationship just ended.
Determine the Risk:
A good rule of thumb is to determine what the risk is of someone crossing each personal boundary and then determine the verbal response (never placing blame because that just causes defensiveness and defeats your purpose) and physical response to that breach. The physical response may be removing yourself from an area of the office by walking away, telling your verbally abusive 19 year old it's time to move out, leaving a party earlier than expected or leaving a relationship completely.
Real Life Story: One of physical enforcements was leaving an outdoor restaurant when a patron refused to extinguish his cigarette when the smoke was blowing across my table. My verbal enforcement didn't work. I asked the server to ask him but she was more interested in a good tip from him and didn't do it. I asked him nicely and he refused. Some interesting things happened.
On my way out, I told the manager why I was leaving and that the server refused to help. He apologized and offered me a complimentary dinner for two to come back again.
The server was clearly uncomfortable with her cowardly decision and seemed to feel bad.
Other patrons felt the same way I did and were visibly surprised that she didn't say something to the smoker so I expect they didn't tip her as well as if she had been supportive.
You may be asking "Was it all worth it?" To me, absolutely, because breathing smoke during my meal would have caused resentment and anger, not to speak of an unhealthy lunch. To the server, I think a adjustment in attitude and behavior will take place. And for the other patrons who noticed this very quiet situation, I think they evaluated what they would have done and respected someone for standing up for what they believe in a respectful way.
If what I did isn't something you would do that is why we are working on PERSONAL boundaries. They are personal to each individual.
So now you know how to speak to the person who gets in your space or crosses the line and what you will do if the breach continues. You have done what most people never do and I congratulate you on enforcing personal boundaries for your mental, emotional and physical safety.
Rabu, 22 November 2017
Senin, 30 Oktober 2017
Women's Self Defense - The 6 Hour Cure For the Common Assault
According to Bureau of Justice statistics 17 percent of women can expect to be raped in their lifetime. In 2004 for every 1000 people there is one rape or sexual assault, two assaults with injury and 2 robberies-that's a one in five chance that you are going to be next.
Statistics show that every two and a half minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. And while the numbers show an increase, the scary part is there are still 39 percent of rapes in 2002 that went unreported for a variety of legitimate reasons ranging from embarrassment, fear, or shock.
A self defense class should be part of every woman's education. Why can't it be taught in school?
Women's self defense classes and training are available in books, seminars, DVD's, and community classes. Practically every community offers some type of self defense class. They are available from the YWCA to the local police department, church groups to community organizations especially in college communities where assaults are generally higher. The opportunities are there. But so is the apathy. To me it is mind boggling at the lack of interest in this topic.
A class or course in self defense cAn prepare women for what may be inevitable-an assault at some point in their lives. A 6 hour DVD course in the comfort of your own home will teach you the basic skill set needed to prevent or cure the common assault by kicking an assailant's butt.
They can learn how to build confidence, how to use keys as a weapon, how to use verbal self defense, simple postures and ways to act can prevent an assault from becoming fatal. The list goes on and on.
SIX HOURS to learn the basics to cure the common assault. Take a class in pepper spray use, martial arts, how to fight dirty, even knowing how to behave: these are the basic tools needed to survive an attack. Do it at home, do it at church, do it at school, do it at your police department, do it in your community center, do it in your dorm-JUST DO IT.
And then once you have learned the skill set, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE Start learning at an early age and continue through your life with practice.
SIX HOURS to cure the common assault. Is that too much?
Find out how you can get a DVD with the basic skills for self defense at the links below.
Statistics show that every two and a half minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. And while the numbers show an increase, the scary part is there are still 39 percent of rapes in 2002 that went unreported for a variety of legitimate reasons ranging from embarrassment, fear, or shock.
A self defense class should be part of every woman's education. Why can't it be taught in school?
Women's self defense classes and training are available in books, seminars, DVD's, and community classes. Practically every community offers some type of self defense class. They are available from the YWCA to the local police department, church groups to community organizations especially in college communities where assaults are generally higher. The opportunities are there. But so is the apathy. To me it is mind boggling at the lack of interest in this topic.
A class or course in self defense cAn prepare women for what may be inevitable-an assault at some point in their lives. A 6 hour DVD course in the comfort of your own home will teach you the basic skill set needed to prevent or cure the common assault by kicking an assailant's butt.
They can learn how to build confidence, how to use keys as a weapon, how to use verbal self defense, simple postures and ways to act can prevent an assault from becoming fatal. The list goes on and on.
SIX HOURS to learn the basics to cure the common assault. Take a class in pepper spray use, martial arts, how to fight dirty, even knowing how to behave: these are the basic tools needed to survive an attack. Do it at home, do it at church, do it at school, do it at your police department, do it in your community center, do it in your dorm-JUST DO IT.
And then once you have learned the skill set, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE Start learning at an early age and continue through your life with practice.
SIX HOURS to cure the common assault. Is that too much?
Find out how you can get a DVD with the basic skills for self defense at the links below.
Rabu, 18 Oktober 2017
Women's Personal Safety Secrets - Personal Boundaries, the 4th Personal Safety Secret For Women
Although everyone needs personal boundaries, women are the caretakers of the world and ironically, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to a point of being drained until we can no longer take care of anyone, including us. We must care for ourselves first in order to be there for others, right?
Great News!
There is a happy medium between being selfish and being selfless and I'm going to show you what it is!
At one time or another, we have all felt less than empowered by something someone else said or did. Wouldn't you agree? What do you do when someone is disrespectful to you? What do you do when being around someone gives you the creeps? Have you repeatedly put yourself in a situation where you emerged feeling worse that you did beforehand? Did you know it would happen but "didn't want to offend anyone," by making waves or backing out?
We've all been there and if you are ready to create a more empowered future with more respect from yourself and others, greater self-esteem and much more peace of mind and laughter, you will definitely need to establish and enforce personal boundaries! They are the keys to much of our happiness yet so often overlooked.
How to Establish Personal Boundaries
First of all, let's determine what is okay with you and what isn't. That would be acceptable people, places and situations and unacceptable people, places and situations. You probably know several of them already. Decide what empowers you and what weakens you by picturing a person, place or certain situation and noticing the feeling in your gut. This is the quickest way to know if something or someone is beneficial or detrimental to you as a woman.
We will get into gut feelings in depth in the #5 Personal Safety Secret for Women but for right now, the first thing you feel is what you want to go with, good or bad. If you have an indifferent feeling, put it in the "good" category. If you have a good gut feeling about the person, place or situation it is put on the acceptable list. If you have a bad gut feeling, that person, place or situation is put on the unacceptable list.
Where to Put Personal Boundaries
You now have an acceptable list and an unacceptable list. Next, picture yourself in the middle of a circle. The line of the circle extends approximately 18-24 inches from your body. Picture the acceptable people, places and situations inside the circle with you and all of the unacceptable people, places and situations outside the circle.
You might have heard or said something like, "He got in my space," or "She stepped over the line," right? The space is the space inside your circle. It is your personal space and I am giving you permission to protect it. The line is your personal boundary line between what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. So, now you will have a visual the next time someone talks about "the line" or "my space" though if is more of a saying than actually understood my the person speaking it.
About Enforcing Personal Boundaries
First of all, enforcement of personal boundaries is easiest when you first meet someone because they don't have to change their behavior. When someone you have known for a long time suddenly learns that you will not be putting up with the disrespectful way they speak to you anymore they are not happy. However, you may have had people like this in your life at one time or another and it is impossible to reach your true potential with them knocking you down all the time. Some of them will leave your life, others will respect you and stay.
Sore Losers vs. Those Who Truly Care
Why would someone you've known forever leave your life just because you choose not to be mistreated by them anymore? Because they are in the attacker mindset (Personal Safety Secrets #1) and you just stopped playing their game. People who care about you will be happy to adjust their behavior so that you feel better and many will appreciate the heads up; not realizing they had been inconsiderate in the past.
As you can see, establishing personal boundaries is a breeze compared to enforcing them. It takes guts to stand up for yourself and others will either respect it or resent your ability to do so.
How to Enforce Personal Boundaries
If someone speaks to you disrespectfully and you have just deemed it as unacceptable, you need to determine what you will say or do the next time it happens. Here are some options (none of which include guarantees):
"When you speak to me in that tone of voice I feel like you don't respect me. Is that how you wanted me to feel?"
In this response, you are putting the ball in the other person's court. They have two options: confirm they wanted you to feel bad or apologize and change their behavior.
Note: Remember that you are not saying, "You make me feel... " because no one can make you feel a certain way without your permission. That means they can inspire or threaten you into feeling a certain way but you are in control of your own feelings. (This is uncomfortable for some people to swallow because it means taking responsibility for their thoughts, behavior and current situation in life.)
If your teen is speaking to you disrespectfully, you may choose to be more forceful in saying something like, "Speak to me with respect. Anything else is unacceptable."
The key is determining what you will do or say ahead of time. This is how we protect ourselves. Establishing personal boundaries includes figuring out how we handle the boundary breakers. The best part is that since you know what is acceptable and unacceptable, you can see when someone is getting close to "getting in your space" or "crossing the line" so that you can prevent it!
If you determine that an annual holiday party gets wild each year by 11:00 pm, your personal boundary may be to attend until 10:30 pm.
Maybe a person at work tells you an uncomfortable amount of personal information so you tell him or her that you appreciate that they consider you a friend to share their life with but that you will feel more comfortable keeping your relationship on more of a business level. Realize that the person who shares too much personal info seeks attention and will probably be mad at you and may even talk behind your back after you enforce your personal boundary. Why would he or she do this? Because it will get them attention. Consider the source and the reason people are pushing your buttons in the first place. There is always more to it than meets the eye. Trust your gut feelings above all else.
Where is the Empowering Part of Personal Boundaries?
I'm glad you asked! When you are treated with the respect you deserve and treat others in kind, you will be amazed at how long you allowed yourself to live without this natural high! How you see yourself improves. How others see you improves. You feel stronger knowing you have the right to protect yourself from verbal, mental, emotional and physical attacks. Your life gets much simpler because there are rules and those who choose not to abide by them are not a problem for you anymore. Remember, you have to have your own back before you can expect anyone else to. You must nourish and care gently for yourself before you can care deeply for others. You deserve to be happy. Do you lose some "friends," acquaintances and others in your life? Yes. But were they friends if they mistreated you? No. Do family relationships get an overhaul? Many times, yes but refer to the answer to the previous question.
Live the Life You Deserve
In order to be who you need and want to be; in order to accomplish your life purpose, you need to feel whole, important and qualified to live your best life. This means protecting yourself from attack. Unclear about your life's purpose? You will see how much more clearly you see after you respect yourself enough to establish and enforce personal boundaries. It is the #4 personal safety secret for women!
Great News!
There is a happy medium between being selfish and being selfless and I'm going to show you what it is!
At one time or another, we have all felt less than empowered by something someone else said or did. Wouldn't you agree? What do you do when someone is disrespectful to you? What do you do when being around someone gives you the creeps? Have you repeatedly put yourself in a situation where you emerged feeling worse that you did beforehand? Did you know it would happen but "didn't want to offend anyone," by making waves or backing out?
We've all been there and if you are ready to create a more empowered future with more respect from yourself and others, greater self-esteem and much more peace of mind and laughter, you will definitely need to establish and enforce personal boundaries! They are the keys to much of our happiness yet so often overlooked.
How to Establish Personal Boundaries
First of all, let's determine what is okay with you and what isn't. That would be acceptable people, places and situations and unacceptable people, places and situations. You probably know several of them already. Decide what empowers you and what weakens you by picturing a person, place or certain situation and noticing the feeling in your gut. This is the quickest way to know if something or someone is beneficial or detrimental to you as a woman.
We will get into gut feelings in depth in the #5 Personal Safety Secret for Women but for right now, the first thing you feel is what you want to go with, good or bad. If you have an indifferent feeling, put it in the "good" category. If you have a good gut feeling about the person, place or situation it is put on the acceptable list. If you have a bad gut feeling, that person, place or situation is put on the unacceptable list.
Where to Put Personal Boundaries
You now have an acceptable list and an unacceptable list. Next, picture yourself in the middle of a circle. The line of the circle extends approximately 18-24 inches from your body. Picture the acceptable people, places and situations inside the circle with you and all of the unacceptable people, places and situations outside the circle.
You might have heard or said something like, "He got in my space," or "She stepped over the line," right? The space is the space inside your circle. It is your personal space and I am giving you permission to protect it. The line is your personal boundary line between what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. So, now you will have a visual the next time someone talks about "the line" or "my space" though if is more of a saying than actually understood my the person speaking it.
About Enforcing Personal Boundaries
First of all, enforcement of personal boundaries is easiest when you first meet someone because they don't have to change their behavior. When someone you have known for a long time suddenly learns that you will not be putting up with the disrespectful way they speak to you anymore they are not happy. However, you may have had people like this in your life at one time or another and it is impossible to reach your true potential with them knocking you down all the time. Some of them will leave your life, others will respect you and stay.
Sore Losers vs. Those Who Truly Care
Why would someone you've known forever leave your life just because you choose not to be mistreated by them anymore? Because they are in the attacker mindset (Personal Safety Secrets #1) and you just stopped playing their game. People who care about you will be happy to adjust their behavior so that you feel better and many will appreciate the heads up; not realizing they had been inconsiderate in the past.
As you can see, establishing personal boundaries is a breeze compared to enforcing them. It takes guts to stand up for yourself and others will either respect it or resent your ability to do so.
How to Enforce Personal Boundaries
If someone speaks to you disrespectfully and you have just deemed it as unacceptable, you need to determine what you will say or do the next time it happens. Here are some options (none of which include guarantees):
"When you speak to me in that tone of voice I feel like you don't respect me. Is that how you wanted me to feel?"
In this response, you are putting the ball in the other person's court. They have two options: confirm they wanted you to feel bad or apologize and change their behavior.
Note: Remember that you are not saying, "You make me feel... " because no one can make you feel a certain way without your permission. That means they can inspire or threaten you into feeling a certain way but you are in control of your own feelings. (This is uncomfortable for some people to swallow because it means taking responsibility for their thoughts, behavior and current situation in life.)
If your teen is speaking to you disrespectfully, you may choose to be more forceful in saying something like, "Speak to me with respect. Anything else is unacceptable."
The key is determining what you will do or say ahead of time. This is how we protect ourselves. Establishing personal boundaries includes figuring out how we handle the boundary breakers. The best part is that since you know what is acceptable and unacceptable, you can see when someone is getting close to "getting in your space" or "crossing the line" so that you can prevent it!
If you determine that an annual holiday party gets wild each year by 11:00 pm, your personal boundary may be to attend until 10:30 pm.
Maybe a person at work tells you an uncomfortable amount of personal information so you tell him or her that you appreciate that they consider you a friend to share their life with but that you will feel more comfortable keeping your relationship on more of a business level. Realize that the person who shares too much personal info seeks attention and will probably be mad at you and may even talk behind your back after you enforce your personal boundary. Why would he or she do this? Because it will get them attention. Consider the source and the reason people are pushing your buttons in the first place. There is always more to it than meets the eye. Trust your gut feelings above all else.
Where is the Empowering Part of Personal Boundaries?
I'm glad you asked! When you are treated with the respect you deserve and treat others in kind, you will be amazed at how long you allowed yourself to live without this natural high! How you see yourself improves. How others see you improves. You feel stronger knowing you have the right to protect yourself from verbal, mental, emotional and physical attacks. Your life gets much simpler because there are rules and those who choose not to abide by them are not a problem for you anymore. Remember, you have to have your own back before you can expect anyone else to. You must nourish and care gently for yourself before you can care deeply for others. You deserve to be happy. Do you lose some "friends," acquaintances and others in your life? Yes. But were they friends if they mistreated you? No. Do family relationships get an overhaul? Many times, yes but refer to the answer to the previous question.
Live the Life You Deserve
In order to be who you need and want to be; in order to accomplish your life purpose, you need to feel whole, important and qualified to live your best life. This means protecting yourself from attack. Unclear about your life's purpose? You will see how much more clearly you see after you respect yourself enough to establish and enforce personal boundaries. It is the #4 personal safety secret for women!
Kamis, 28 September 2017
Women's Safety Tips - Economy Downturn Equals Crime Increase - 3 Simple Ways Women Can Be Safer
A challenging economy has many ramifications and one is a drastic increase in crime - often against women. Ordinary people do extraordinary things to feed their families, keep their homes, medical benefits and lifestyle.
The frantic mode much of the country is in right now, incessantly perpetuated by media (because it is news), can inspire fear and panic in even the most enthusiastic of optimists.
Domestic violence shelters are currently overflowing with middle and upper income women they rarely see in normal economic times. Relationships are dissolving as lifestyles change and the "for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad" is a distant memory. Sometimes people find that life just rolled by and when it comes time to depend on one another, they are all alone. This creates depression, stress, doubt, insecurity, fear, resentment, illness, anger, low self-esteem, chaos, a feeling of weakness and other negative influences.
Women, are commonly selected as victim targets just as children and seniors are because they are viewed as "weaker" by cowardly, insecure attackers. Women are also the "safety monitors" in families and workplaces. Therefore, here are 3 simple safety tips to practice and pass along:
Trust your gut feelings. People you know might be feeling and acting differently during financial and relational stress. Listen to the little voice that guides you. What may have been safe before may not now. Exit situations when you feel the need to do so and avoid feeling obligated to apologize or explain. It may put you in greater danger.
Confident body language is a great way to repel, instead of attract, attackers. Hold your head up, shoulders back, walk with purpose, swing your arms and be ready to yell 911 and run if necessary.
Carry only necessities with you. If a thief wants your stuff, give it up quickly or you risk your life. Your purse should contain only what you need for wherever you are. If you don't need six credit cards at work, they shouldn't be in your purse when you are there.
Keep in mind the economy has tumbled before and will again in the future. Count your blessings even when money isn't one of them and you will be mentally and emotionally stronger than the majority of people around you, which makes you a less likely victim prospect.
Jumat, 08 September 2017
Night Safety For Women - 9 Tips For Women To Be Safe At Night
Women are very vulnerable to violence and crimes specially at night. Even with the world advancing so much, women are still not safe on the streets even in the most developed of nations. This is evident from the huge amount of crimes against women even in countries like USA, UK and other developed nations.
Here are a few tips to help a woman if she has to travel to some place late in the evenings or night:
1. The best things to do for women is to always try and have some company when you are traveling at night. As much as possible avoid venturing out at night by yourself.
2. While traveling in the evenings, aim for well trafficked streets and roads. Try to avoid as much as possible those streets which tend to be deserted or have few travelers.
3. Avoid wearing jewelery when you are out at night. Even fake jewelery might attract chain snatchers.
4. Be extra careful while boarding or getting down a bus, train or while riding on an escalator as pickpockets might usually strike at such times.
5. While walking on sidewalks, keep your handbags and other valuables away from the street sides.
6. If you have to ask for directions, it is better to approach families or women.
7. As soon as you get into your car after you come from shopping, eating or from your office, lock the doors. Don't delay doing this.
8. The elbow seems to be the strongest part of your body. keep this in mind if you ever need to use it and have the opportunity to do so.
9. Don't put off things for evenings and night which you can do during broad daylight like going to the laundry to get your clothes etc. Many women may say that its usually quieter and more peaceful in the evenings, but safety should be the first priority in such cases.
10. It can help if women learn a few self defense tips and techniques just to be on the safer side - woman self defense
The above safety tips for women at night are definitely not sufficient and 100% foolproof. But they do offer some guidelines of night safety for women.
Here are a few tips to help a woman if she has to travel to some place late in the evenings or night:
1. The best things to do for women is to always try and have some company when you are traveling at night. As much as possible avoid venturing out at night by yourself.
2. While traveling in the evenings, aim for well trafficked streets and roads. Try to avoid as much as possible those streets which tend to be deserted or have few travelers.
3. Avoid wearing jewelery when you are out at night. Even fake jewelery might attract chain snatchers.
4. Be extra careful while boarding or getting down a bus, train or while riding on an escalator as pickpockets might usually strike at such times.
5. While walking on sidewalks, keep your handbags and other valuables away from the street sides.
6. If you have to ask for directions, it is better to approach families or women.
7. As soon as you get into your car after you come from shopping, eating or from your office, lock the doors. Don't delay doing this.
8. The elbow seems to be the strongest part of your body. keep this in mind if you ever need to use it and have the opportunity to do so.
9. Don't put off things for evenings and night which you can do during broad daylight like going to the laundry to get your clothes etc. Many women may say that its usually quieter and more peaceful in the evenings, but safety should be the first priority in such cases.
10. It can help if women learn a few self defense tips and techniques just to be on the safer side - woman self defense
The above safety tips for women at night are definitely not sufficient and 100% foolproof. But they do offer some guidelines of night safety for women.
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